Narcissism and how it affects loved ones
Knowing a person with high narcissistic tendencies is stressful. But when that person is a family member or a friend, the situation becomes much more worse. Are you in a similar state?
I would like to confess that I don't know an absolute solution for it. Only some coping measures that have worked for me. And some that I am struggling with.
Grateful for you
First, I am grateful that I know quite a few positive and selfless people. I can't say in words how much I appreciate and love them. My best friend and soul sister from high school. And my brother from another mother. We talk after months but when we restart, it's like we never lost contact. And the mutual trust and comfort is what I enjoy the most in these two beings.
Identify a narcissist
Now, let's talk about narcissism. I know a person who has strong narcissistic tendencies. They consistently and continuously talk about and praise themselves. Lie about anything so that others would like them. Can't handle criticism and lash out.
Arguments with a narcissist
This is how you differentiate a normal person from a narcissistic one. You have arguments from time to time with your loved ones. Normal arguments.
But when you argue with a narcissist, they will say everything possible to make you feel bad about yourself. To put you down and make you feel unworthy. They BELIEVE that you are unworthy and it's not just a mere way of manipulating your worth. They believe you are good for nothing but only during arguments, they reveal it.
Denial in narcissists
I don't know if that person realized what they are doing. But when I have tried to talk about it, they have outright denied everything. Do they really believe themselves? Or are they just lying to your face?
I tried to show them how self-absorbed they are. With the consistent self-admiration. They flat out denied it. And started blaming me of jealousy. Ah, the classic jealousy card!
You are jealous of me!
I once had the same narcissist lash out at me because I wasn't complimenting their appearance. And they accused me of jealousy. Just because I am not vain?
The accusations of jealousy happened several times with baseless reasons. It's ridiculous to say the least. Every same gender person who might have a tiff with them or dislike them, they attribute it to jealousy. I try to reason but in vain.
The polarities
They would be extremely charming and sweet with you in the beginning. They know the right things to say to get closer to you. But at any moment, if any difference arise, everything changes.
They become a monster. Throwing a tantrum like a spoilt child. Yelling at you. Telling that you are good for nothing. Everything that a sane person wouldn't.
The backbiting
You wouldn't expect a loved one to bitch about you after every argument, would you? Kids do but adults? A narcissist would defame you by talking to anyone and everyone; they don't have to be close friends. They just need to rant it to someone.
This is very hurtful and immature. The victim doesn't know what to do in such a situation.
You owe me
They believe that you owe them and that you should be grateful. For absolutely nothing. But the important thing is, they BELEIVE you are where you are because of them. No matter how false it is, they believe it. And they tell you the same to put you in your place. Beneath them. Feel the superiority complex vibes? Yes, they will take credit for everything.
My mother is amazing. But suppose, if she was a narcissist, she would remind me of how she has cared for me and fed me. She would tell me that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be alive. Would my mother say it? Never. A narcissist would. Even if she is your Mom.
Because whatever good they may be doing, they would keep count. And remind you of it. They don't do good things out of selflessness or love. But just so you could owe them and they feel superior to you. A narcissist will do things that may seem really kind at the surface. But when you dig deeper, the motivation lies somewhere else in a dark place. Unlike a normal kind person.
Contagious nature of narcissism
I used to be someone who never cared about others' or my own appearance. I befriended the ones no one talked with. But the narc was my opposite. They even asked me why I befriend only ugly people. So rude! At that time, I was a child!
I had heard hundreds of their speeches where they praise their appearance. And how the other gender is so attracted to them. They would keep asking me for approval as well. They would click around hundred pictures of themselves at the same spot. A normal person may take around 10, maximum.
But all this had started affecting me. I didn't even know when. I started becoming shallow. I based my crushes on looks. Realising this has frightened me deeply. But I know I will work towards it. It is possible to get rid of it since there was a time when I used to be different. It may take time but I will.
How have I dealt with narcs
They have gossiped about me. But also said really nice things about me to others when they had to show how loving they are. And how ungrateful I am. On the other hand, I have tried as much as possible never to talk about them. It is not a pleasant topic for me. I don't want to say bad stuff and there is almost nothing good to say. So, I try to change the topic whenever it arises.
I wouldn't name them ever or say how they are related to me. Because I don't want to defame them. I don't want them to be seen as a bad person. As much as I know how toxic they are, it's not the right thing. That's the reason I don't even tell this to my closest friends.
Some friends, I know, may have noticed that I am not close with the narc. And they haven't asked directly but I have seen it in their eyes. The judgement. They possibly think I am a bad person to act this way. But how do I explain? I don't need to, actually.
If you are really my friend, you know I wouldn't do such a thing unless absolutely needed. Unless it's painful otherwise.
So, yeah, I have tried avoiding interactions with them. And they have accused me of being a bad person because I don't interact. Understandable. But they don't seem to realise what is driving me to avoid them.
Being around them makes me a negative person. I feel horrible. When I am around loved ones, it should be the opposite, right? I should be feeling good around them.
I feel it's my right to be happy at the very least. That's the sole reason I am not close with them. If you want to be happy, you have to do the same no matter who that person is or how they are related to you. Let society say whatever. Nothing comes above peace and happiness. And mental health.
Surround yourself with positive beings!
