Narcissism and its effects on close ones

Narcissism and how it affects loved ones

Knowing a person with high narcissistic tendencies is stressful. But when that person is a family member or a friend, the situation becomes much more worse. Are you in a similar state?

I would like to confess that I don't know an absolute solution for it. Only some coping measures that have worked for me. And some that I am struggling with.

Grateful for you

First, I am grateful that I know quite a few positive and selfless people. I can't say in words how much I appreciate and love them. My best friend and soul sister from high school. And my brother from another mother. We talk after months but when we restart, it's like we never lost contact. And the mutual trust and comfort is what I enjoy the most in these two beings.

Identify a narcissist

Now, let's talk about narcissism. I know a person who has strong narcissistic tendencies. They consistently and continuously talk about and praise themselves. Lie about anything so that others would like them. Can't handle criticism and lash out.

Arguments with a narcissist

This is how you differentiate a normal person from a narcissistic one. You have arguments from time to time with your loved ones. Normal arguments.

But when you argue with a narcissist, they will say everything possible to make you feel bad about yourself. To put you down and make you feel unworthy. They BELIEVE that you are unworthy and it's not just a mere way of manipulating your worth. They believe you are good for nothing but only during arguments, they reveal it.

Denial in narcissists

I don't know if that person realized what they are doing. But when I have tried to talk about it, they have outright denied everything. Do they really believe themselves? Or are they just lying to your face?

I tried to show them how self-absorbed they are. With the consistent self-admiration. They flat out denied it. And started blaming me of jealousy. Ah, the classic jealousy card!

You are jealous of me!

I once had the same narcissist lash out at me because I wasn't complimenting their appearance. And they accused me of jealousy. Just because I am not vain?

The accusations of jealousy happened several times with baseless reasons. It's ridiculous to say the least. Every same gender person who might have a tiff with them or dislike them, they attribute it to jealousy. I try to reason but in vain.

The polarities

They would be extremely charming and sweet with you in the beginning. They know the right things to say to get closer to you. But at any moment, if any difference arise, everything changes.

They become a monster. Throwing a tantrum like a spoilt child. Yelling at you. Telling that you are good for nothing. Everything that a sane person wouldn't.

The backbiting

You wouldn't expect a loved one to bitch about you after every argument, would you? Kids do but adults? A narcissist would defame you by talking to anyone and everyone; they don't have to be close friends. They just need to rant it to someone.

This is very hurtful and immature. The victim doesn't know what to do in such a situation.

You owe me

They believe that you owe them and that you should be grateful. For absolutely nothing. But the important thing is, they BELEIVE you are where you are because of them. No matter how false it is, they believe it. And they tell you the same to put you in your place. Beneath them. Feel the superiority complex vibes? Yes, they will take credit for everything.

My mother is amazing. But suppose, if she was a narcissist, she would remind me of how she has cared for me and fed me. She would tell me that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be alive. Would my mother say it? Never. A narcissist would. Even if she is your Mom.

Because whatever good they may be doing, they would keep count. And remind you of it. They don't do good things out of selflessness or love. But just so you could owe them and they feel superior to you. A narcissist will do things that may seem really kind at the surface. But when you dig deeper, the motivation lies somewhere else in a dark place. Unlike a normal kind person.

Contagious nature of narcissism

I used to be someone who never cared about others' or my own appearance. I befriended the ones no one talked with. But the narc was my opposite. They even asked me why I befriend only ugly people. So rude! At that time, I was a child!

I had heard hundreds of their speeches where they praise their appearance. And how the other gender is so attracted to them. They would keep asking me for approval as well. They would click around hundred pictures of themselves at the same spot. A normal person may take around 10, maximum.

But all this had started affecting me. I didn't even know when. I started becoming shallow. I based my crushes on looks. Realising this has frightened me deeply. But I know I will work towards it. It is possible to get rid of it since there was a time when I used to be different. It may take time but I will.

How have I dealt with narcs

They have gossiped about me. But also said really nice things about me to others when they had to show how loving they are. And how ungrateful I am. On the other hand, I have tried as much as possible never to talk about them. It is not a pleasant topic for me. I don't want to say bad stuff and there is almost nothing good to say. So, I try to change the topic whenever it arises.

I wouldn't name them ever or say how they are related to me. Because I don't want to defame them. I don't want them to be seen as a bad person. As much as I know how toxic they are, it's not the right thing. That's the reason I don't even tell this to my closest friends.

Some friends, I know, may have noticed that I am not close with the narc. And they haven't asked directly but I have seen it in their eyes. The judgement. They possibly think I am a bad person to act this way. But how do I explain? I don't need to, actually.

If you are really my friend, you know I wouldn't do such a thing unless absolutely needed. Unless it's painful otherwise.

So, yeah, I have tried avoiding interactions with them. And they have accused me of being a bad person because I don't interact. Understandable. But they don't seem to realise what is driving me to avoid them.

Being around them makes me a negative person. I feel horrible. When I am around loved ones, it should be the opposite, right? I should be feeling good around them.

I feel it's my right to be happy at the very least. That's the sole reason I am not close with them. If you want to be happy, you have to do the same no matter who that person is or how they are related to you. Let society say whatever. Nothing comes above peace and happiness. And mental health.

Surround yourself with positive beings!

ISIS

Initially, hearing about the atrocities of ISIS gave me goosebumps & subsequently, I could not but feel overwhelmingly grieved at their grave, non-humanitarian sins.

Maybe they were just a huge group of lunatics? But the amount of people they have done wrong against & the no. of followers they were attaining made me think twice. I often kept thinking about their activities & wondered what the hell they really wanted from us all, by torturing us. Did they just enjoy harming others? Sadists?

I started to read about them and did a kind of research. I was shocked to find out that I was wrong about them. Unfortunately, they really were Islamic, not "un-Islamic".

But the thought that disturbed me so severely was not about whether they were Islamic or not. It was that if our holy book tells us to kill our family members or loved ones and friends, would we do so, just 'cause, supposedly our God/Allah told us to? Would we kill the idea of God Himself and destroy our relation with Him if it was written in the Holy Book/Quran? Would our conscience not tell us that it might be a sin, actually?  Wouldn't we feel guilty for the rest of our lives? I would. What about you, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi? Anyways, did Allah appoint you as the Caliph?? NO. Did Allah say anywhere that whatever you say & do is right? NO. And did Allah write the Quran?? Sorry if I offended you people but really, just think about it.

You can kill me too just as well you are killing your own people, thousands of peaceful Muslims, on the grounds that they are infidels. And you are not an infidel!?? Maybe not now, but somewhere sometime in your lifetime, you must have been? Then, why don't you behead yourself first, since that seems to be your favorite pass-time? Even if not, who gives you the right to make The Judgement about others' lives. You're not Allah or are you claiming to be so? That'd be the gravest of sins committed, by any one, ever.

Wow, you want to bring the days of Prophet Muhammad back! And be the key force to bring about The Apocalypse? May I ask who appointed you all as the chosen ones? It's silly thinking about yourselves as the chosen ones. No, Allah didn't choose you. So, get over it!

People are seeing you no different from Hitler, who took it upon himself to "cleanse" the society. Who the hell gave him such rights? Let God make the decisions. Not humans. We all are just humans. Even you. Don't forget that in your sheer 'dictatorship' rule as the Caliph.

There'a a thing called humanity in humans. And it's the greatest virtue. It's our conscience, an inner voice that makes us feel bad if we're doing wrong to others. That's where Allah resides. Allah is pure, free from sins & violence. Just 'cause some human came along to negate it, it doesn't mean it's God's words.

Quoting an extract from the website http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/03/what-isis-really-wants/384980/

"A caliphate cannot come into being in a righteous way except through the unmistakable will of God.

The Islamic State, of course, would agree, and say that God has anointed Baghdadi. Pocius’s retort amounts to a call to humility. He cites Abdullah Ibn Abbas, one of the Prophet’s companions, who sat down with dissenters and asked them how they had the gall, as a minority, to tell the majority that it was wrong. Dissent itself, to the point of bloodshed or splitting the umma, was forbidden. Even the manner of the establishment of Baghdadi’s caliphate runs contrary to expectation, he said. “The khilafa is something that Allah is going to establish,” he told me, “and it will involve a consensus of scholars from Mecca and Medina. That is not what happened. ISIS came out of nowhere.”"

Lastly, I'd love to say that our God, Allah hates you beyond measure & one day, He'll see to it that you're punished for your uncountable sins & for spreading rumours about Him. We'll do nothing 'cause we're humans & we understand that. But you've forgotten that & He & only He will remind you of that, don't worry.

Adieu, my no. 1.

My Sweet Little Home...My Happy World...My Heaven

I miss those green vast fields illuminated with the bright sunshine & the leaves of the tress lightly swaying in the cool breeze. I miss looking at my Ma pick up mani-muni plants & other herbs to feed us & make us more strong. I miss the streams running beneath those farms, filled with the delightful fishes. I miss the serene time near by the small ponds and streams, fishing with my Deta and the way he taught me how to. I was always good in catching fishes, like a gift of God. I miss how the land around us filled with thousands of brightly-lit & sparkling fireflies at night-time, and the stars twinkling above in the sky. It all looked breathtakingly awesome, in the real sense of the word "awesome" as in it stops my breath just thinking about it. I miss those numerous flowers & trees and looking & sniffing each of them. I miss trying to catch those transparent, little jia, jumping around the long grasses. I miss how those bon-gutis got stuck to my socks & picking 'em out. I miss how each evening my parents gave us some long-forgotten brand of bhujia that tasted so brilliant & light, along with some kajus & kishmis. And how I used to wait just to eat these small little treasures.

I miss how I used to be so fat & chubby, then (hehe). I miss the way I loved eating payash so much back then as if it was amrit! I miss how my Ma kissed my cheeks gently whenever I felt sick & how she selflessly took care of me, sacrificing so much. I can never return what she did for me. I miss how I loved & missed home so much, when at school. I miss looking at her gardening & taking care of the plants & the way she knew so much about 'em.

I miss Teok so much that each night, no matter what, I always see the fields & the route to the fields. No matter what the situation is & even if I see no one else. It's like my home is calling me back each moment again & again. It's been so many years I haven't been there, it sure feels like ages back. I have to return. I have to see those fields, atleast once again. Else, I won't be at peace.

My soul cries out for the sense of living there, once again. Nostalgia. All these memories of my childhood in Teok with my family are so sweet & merry. If that wasn't heaven, then, I don't know what is! It was my dreamworld that I still yearn to go back to. No, I don't like living in the city. I don't like it's crowd, the pollution, the indifferent attitude, the grey concrete buildings, the jam-packed roads, the garbage-stinking streets, the cruelty, the artificiality of the city.... And I hate the feeling of staying in an AC room or car. It makes me feel sick! I love & yearn for the fresh, natural air that makes me feel alive.

Here, in Tezpur University, it's not bad. I'm happy about the environment, the trees, the grass. Somehow, it does reminds me of my native land & makes me feel so better. Thank you, T.U., for giving me such a nice place to stay in & learn.

Seashells

The Thorns Of Life

Divinity

The Other Side